Well, Was It Worth It?

I play hard, study hard, work hard, and live hard. It feels as though I am so unrelenting like a firestorm that engulfs everything in my way. I can tell I have left many in the wake of my destruction feeling burnt, to say the least. I feel for them, I really do. In fact, today was one of those days where even I burned myself.

My day began quite normally: 8:30am wake-up call from  my phone, 15 minutes doing my morning brushing, reading, showeing, 15 more minutes getting food. It turned out to be a typical day for the most part: going to class, studying afterwards, doing miscellaneous work before the next class, studying some more, and going to more class. Apparently however, I was studying so hard today that I neglected to go do this thing called "lunch." By now, it's 7:00pm. No lunch, no dinner... yet. I lied to myself and thought I ought to prepare my own dinner over buying dinner. It would taste better, be healthier, and cost less -- three sure-fire signs to sway in that direction.

Tonight however, developed slightly more differently. Somebody I made a promise to cashed in on my promise. Despite my weak protests, that somebody insisted that I go to the driving range with her. The final straw that broke this camel's back was when she said she would drive me to and from. With my clubs being in my car, all was I thought, "Driving range? Awesome! Free-ride? Sweetness!" Off we went.

Things grew hazy. I recall some details, strange to me what happened and what I recall. After hitting the golf balls, the entire time being a blank, I walked towards somebody's car and time and space was toying with me. The air looked as though it bent and folded, as if Einstein's relativity principles were unfolding before me. Street signs that were seemingly solid waved fluidly in a mock debacle as if poignantly euphamizing that I played too hard, that I studied too hard, that I worked too hard, that I lived too hard. I also recall my mind saying, "Dad, I'm sorry. I beat you home but didn't know what you'd want for dinner." I also recall somewhere that somebody was massaging my head, most likely my sister, the somebody. I was clued in on most of the rest of the details too. I apparently needed some practice swings early on, but after I picked up the driver club at the golf range, 200 yards seemed to be the standard for me. I could not walk in a straight line, nor did I feel the need to apparently, as I walked literally into the doorbell beside my house. Objects also obviously were no matter, as I penetrated the front door without needing to turn the knob first. Regardless of things, I fell down onto my sofa, mumbling something about work/homework/emailing/texting in response to others. After reawakening, I also recall thinking, "Man, this is no time to rest, my buddy is going to be so screwed when he finds out tomorrow I didn't do the rest of the income tax forms! Oh man, how long was I asleep for? Wasn't I doing some emailing or texti-- oh no. I think I was supposed to submit some reports today!" All this without moving a muscle as I finally awoke... on my couch feeling my body give me the finger saying no more abuse, lie still.

Maybe it's a question that I don't want answered, maybe it's a rhetorical question whose answer will prove a false dichotomy. Regardless, I do not have an answer yet, but an abstained inclination leans closer to the negative side of the spectrum. If however, I should live my life, playing weakly, studying rarely, working sporadically, and living scarcely, what kind of life would that be? Again, the answer sways towards the negative, but being only twenty-one years of age, that answer is an unqualified opinion. More importantly, what is "it?" Perhaps the best answer to this question is yet another question: whose time was it worth if it was worth anything at all? I look over to my picture in my profile, and I run-through everything all over again: "Man, is that the kind of strife that leaders, historical and present, face?"

And if I granted a special encounter with a renowned leader of wondrous magnitude but given the opportunity to ask only one question, I still wonder... well, was it worth it?